Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”