*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound