I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
This was a bad idea all around
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate