Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library