Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried