Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂