chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.