got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Milk Cube
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style