imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine