Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.