[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
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My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.