When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone