Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea