I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Muppet Screams
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”