Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I hope it’s French Onion!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Mornin
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?