Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I gave up going to work for lent.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
i meant to share this earlier
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.