Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
i spent way too long on this
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”