“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
the saddest jazz hands ever
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?