Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Still a very good boi….
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
why I oughta
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU