Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
😲 WTF? 😆
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.