Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.