To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.