If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me