texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.