Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m about to risk it all
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Same post same
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.