[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My dad is at it again
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.