Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
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[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
The booster protects against what, now?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again