“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.