Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
necessity is the mother of invention
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.