The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?