I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Liquor Store Parking
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.