If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale