Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?