Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
incredible text to wake up to
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you