Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
That’s fair
Why font matters.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.