Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula