[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad