My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD