I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.