my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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It鈥檚 called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn鈥檛 respect you.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we鈥檙e having sex?
Money is the root of all wealth
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Kids are great bc it鈥檒l be freezing and they鈥檒l complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I鈥檓 going to jail.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.馃榿
Guy who likes music
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they鈥檙e complaining about unfolded laundry.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don鈥檛 let it happen again
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately