Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Birds & Planes.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.