just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy