“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.