We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
R.I.P.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.