Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.