When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*3.5 thank you very much.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house