[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.