life finds a way
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”