pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You Might Also Like
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.