me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Gemma Correll